Oooo, Baby, I wanna tap dat wire, and leak all over your identity...
Well, the year has only just begun, and the Tom Sizemore News Gathering Service is already is crisis lock-down mode. My fact checking team has been useless, ever since I had Internet Nanny block-out Google. It's going to affect our productivity, sure, but I had to punish them somehow for the poor ratings they were giving me on HotOrNot.com.
And that's just where this reporters trouble start, Gentle Reader. There is a new documentary out from Brian Flemming, which claims to prove that Jesus (nevermind if he was magic) never actually existed. Now, if God's nephew (fact checkers?) can be exposed to this kind of treatment, then America's Most Hooker-Friendly Newsman can't be far behind! Me and my team of functionally retarded fact-checkers have begun working around the clock to try and prevent Brian Flemming from coming after me next.
How exactly might this character assassination go down? Why, he could point out that my biography seems to borrow liberally from the biographies of Charlie Sheen, Gary Busey, and Leni Riefenstahl. He might point out that my appearance resembles a CGI composite of Michael Maddison and Randy Quad. --Randy Quad, as you may know, was our 43rd President. (Hello, fact checkers?).
However, don't think that I've forgotten about my Judith Miller/Valerie Plane Leak Investigation; I gave up on that case way before I had time to forget about it! (All my evidence was on a picture phone that I accidentally dropped in a spittoon. I'm talking a very popular spittoon.)
My new mission, beside protecting my historical veridity from smarmy documenarians, is to investigate the NSA Illegal Wire Tapping Scandle. After Nixon was impeached for, among other things, illegal wiretapping, the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) of 1978 was passed. (Well! Look whose fact-checking team fianlly decided to get a fucking library card!) According to FISA, the wire-tapping of a U.S. civilians for intellegence purposes requires a secret warrent from a secret court called the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court.
Now, why didn't Bush just get a warrent? What does he have against secret courts? I mean aren't secret warrents from secret courts exactly what this country was founded on! This man has made a mocerky of mockery! I don't know whether to throw up or watch a beer commercial! (What the hell does that mean?)
Anyway, Gentle Readers, tune in next time for this case's exciting half-hearted dismissal! And just what case will I fail to follow up on next time? Tune in and find out! I'm a better investigative journalist that the Zoom Kids and The Golden Girls put together!
Now, if you'll excuse me, my fact checkers are playing waterguns.
And that's just where this reporters trouble start, Gentle Reader. There is a new documentary out from Brian Flemming, which claims to prove that Jesus (nevermind if he was magic) never actually existed. Now, if God's nephew (fact checkers?) can be exposed to this kind of treatment, then America's Most Hooker-Friendly Newsman can't be far behind! Me and my team of functionally retarded fact-checkers have begun working around the clock to try and prevent Brian Flemming from coming after me next.
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How exactly might this character assassination go down? Why, he could point out that my biography seems to borrow liberally from the biographies of Charlie Sheen, Gary Busey, and Leni Riefenstahl. He might point out that my appearance resembles a CGI composite of Michael Maddison and Randy Quad. --Randy Quad, as you may know, was our 43rd President. (Hello, fact checkers?).
However, don't think that I've forgotten about my Judith Miller/Valerie Plane Leak Investigation; I gave up on that case way before I had time to forget about it! (All my evidence was on a picture phone that I accidentally dropped in a spittoon. I'm talking a very popular spittoon.)
My new mission, beside protecting my historical veridity from smarmy documenarians, is to investigate the NSA Illegal Wire Tapping Scandle. After Nixon was impeached for, among other things, illegal wiretapping, the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) of 1978 was passed. (Well! Look whose fact-checking team fianlly decided to get a fucking library card!) According to FISA, the wire-tapping of a U.S. civilians for intellegence purposes requires a secret warrent from a secret court called the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court.
Now, why didn't Bush just get a warrent? What does he have against secret courts? I mean aren't secret warrents from secret courts exactly what this country was founded on! This man has made a mocerky of mockery! I don't know whether to throw up or watch a beer commercial! (What the hell does that mean?)
Anyway, Gentle Readers, tune in next time for this case's exciting half-hearted dismissal! And just what case will I fail to follow up on next time? Tune in and find out! I'm a better investigative journalist that the Zoom Kids and The Golden Girls put together!
Now, if you'll excuse me, my fact checkers are playing waterguns.
posted by Ben And Nick Moore | 7:39 AM
1 Comments:
Christ on toast, Sizemore. It's about time you got down to brass tacks. Thanks for keeping it real. And for keeping the lid on the sample jar. That odor was beginning to spread like homemade mayo with a little too much vinegar.
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